Except the chance to Skype with my granddaughters on the occasion of a first birthday. Please note that I have never forced you to look at pictures.

So one of my critique partners who usually gives very good criticism suggested I rearrange three chapters in my mystery.  To anyone who thinks I should attempt this: in a mystery, continuity is everything. Merely moving a sentence or changing a line of dialogue can unravel the whole plot. I know this because, not to toot my own horn,* I’ve scripted quite a few, some commissioned, that collectively have had over 600 performances.

The defense rests.

*Have you noticed people only says this right before they toot their own horns?**

**I’ve never understood this metaphor. Plus, you certainly wouldn’t toot anyone else’s. It would be unsanitary.

Note to man at next table in my writing spot: once you’ve said ‘hello’ more than 20 times* you may safely assume the person on the other end can’t hear you now.

*Not hyperbole, alas

When I ‘zoned in’ for a moment while writing, I heard Bachianas Brasileiras no. 5 over a disco track. It was like Saturday Night Fever in Hell.

Writers, do not watch this movie.* The score will get stuck in your head and all your characters will start to sound like lovestruck Sicilian teenagers.

*I was being ironic. Watch this movie, or the angels will weep for you.

A whole day’s worth. Despite backing them up 3 ways. Much hair tearing until I realized it was a good thing. The chapter sucked and was unnecessary. So I cut it. Take that, evil revision-eating demon.

Brian Ross. We worked on the school newspaper. He became a famous journalist. I didn’t. In the old days* he was afraid of snakes. Now he’s not even afraid of the Mafia. Go figure.

*Speaking of which, now you know how old I am, unless you’ve been gracious enough not to look it up.

So my two truly wonderful critque groups sometimes** give me suggestions so dramatic that they would involve total rewrites. And then I start ‘shredding’ and discover I’ve “lost my way” to quote the wonderful Rebecca Stead, because I’m not sure where the characters and story have disappeared to. Sometimes I do have an epiphany, and I say “That suggestion is the key to everything.”*** But when that doesn’t happen, as Ricky Nelson said in the immortal song, “Garden Party,”

 

*If you’re old enough to remember who he is you probably refer to your CD player as a phonograph.

 

**As in ‘currently’

***No, seriously.

Do I actually write better on five hours of sleep, or is it that I think the words I just wrote are great because I’ve had five hours of sleep?*

*I’m not going to show you those words, because I deal very poorly with rejection.**

**And that’s why writing and acting are such perfect choices for me.***

***Not

Nor flooded coffee place shall keep me from writing. No, seriously, a mini-hurricane flooded my coffee/writing place. The water stopped inches from my feet. I kept writing anyway. In fairness (to me), so did everybody else. Nothing distracts me from my laptop and my latte.