No, not the movie. I’m referring to a giant version of the thingy* the dentist uses to tap down fillings, which is hard at work right outside my office (formerly known as my dining room). If you need me,** you can find me at Bump ‘n Grind sipping a latte and writing.

*Technical term meaning ,”I have know idea what they call this.”

**If you don’t need me, I’ll be there anyway.

So I’m editing a YA novel I’ve been working on since the first flea circus* and I had one of those “How did I miss this?”moments, in which I did the same stupid thing bad horror movies have done since Muybridge invented the zoopraxiscope.** My protagonist is attacked my a ghost in the middle of the night and sleeps in the same room the very next night, anyway. She is not an idiot. She would never ever do that. And yet, she did. At least she used to. And that, my friends, is why there’s no such thing as a completed manuscript.

*That would be 1578 according to Wikipedia, which is never wrong.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flea_circus

**I have no idea what this is either, so don’t feel bad.

I love them. I think that covers it.

In pursuit of accuracy and continuity for my 70% completed* novel set in Charlottesville, yesterday I visited the Barboursville Winery, had dinner at Fleurie,** and stopped by an all night Harris Teeter.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

*This is a hypothetical. There is no such thing as a completed novel. Ask any writer.

**Note to current IRS agents: I really, really, did. Keep that in mind when you review my tax deductions next year.

How is it possible you can write 500 words in two hours, then spend three hours fixing one line?**

*Not to be confused with Rapper’s Paradise

**And why are they out of cookies? How am I supposed to write without cookies?

I have written with faux Bjork, Pentatonix, Rolling Stones, and Psychedelic Hip Hop* playing in the background. Why is it the live dulcimer music is making it impossible for me to concentrate?

*I totally made up this genre, but trust me, that’s what it sounds like.

My definition of a hero:the barista* who put cardboard under one of the legs of my favorite table at my favorite coffee place so I didn’t get a 4.4 on the Richter scale every time I touched my keyboard.

 

*I think this is a stupid term and actually he mostly works the register, so I shall henceforth refer to him as “My Hero.”

In deference to, and with great respect for, this holiday season, I will not go to Bump ‘n Grind 12/24, 25, 31, or 1/1.*

*ok, deference and respect have nothing to do with  it. They’re either closed or closing early on those dates. Would an obsessive individual such as myself be deterred by respect?

I would like to give a shout out* to Nancy Charak who, in addition to being a loyal reader, is a very gifted artist. You should all look at her stuff.**

*Pretending to be hip, here.

**Technical term we art experts use.

 

I am absolutely  positively going to have a completed manuscript ready for my next writers conference in March, so I can absolutely positively dazzle any agent or editor I meet there.*

*After I absolutely positively dazzle them by riding in on a flying pig