I’m reading this mystery and the writing is bad, really bad and the characters are all stereotypes, and the cover says ‘International Best Seller.’ Here’s my question: Could international mean ‘two countries,’ and could those two countries be Nauru and Tuvalu? That would explain a lot.

So I had my former, and no longer former teacher, Lori Devoti, critique the first three suffering chapters of my urban fantasy, or maybe it’s a paranormal or a mystery or a mashup (I plan to call it whatever the agent is looking for). I did 90% of what she told me to, which is at least 15% more than I’ve ever done for another teacher, because in my youth when I still had teachers, I thought I was smarter than most of them. I still think so.

Oh you weren’t? Well, who’s writing this blog, you or me? I’ve found a conference in Philadelphia that looks excellent. Ignore the W.C. Fields quote.* Philadelphia is interesting. I’ve been there many times. I can vouch for it.

*Everyone who remembers that quote, raise your hand. Bonus points if you know part two. Ok, there are no points of any kind. I was just trying to encourage you.

Adding up the hours it takes to do a daily submission, I realized I could go to a conference every week in the same amount of time, if I could afford it, (which I can’t), and meet interesting people, as in agents. Conferences also come with cookies and coffee and sometimes even croissants, and they tend to take place in interesting big cities or beautiful locations. Although I make pretty good coffee, my office is not beautiful or interesting or even walking distance to a bookstore, or even a Starbucks, or anything I would walk to, except my neighbor, the doc. screenwriter, and my neighbor the artist. I really meant that, Anna and Anita. I’m not just saying that because you read my blog now and then.

Have I gone completely mad (don’t answer, I already know I have)? I’m working on three novels at once, but mostly on the first three chapters, because that’s usually what they want to see. I can always stay up for 72 hours and revise the other 63,000 words if they want to see more. I’m also working on a short story. It doesn’t have chapters.

Yesterday an agent told me she liked my concept, but not my narrative voice. So I looked at the first few pages of my first chapter, and, guess what? I don’t like it either. But it’s only the first three pages that read that way. The rest is just dandy. Needless to say (but I’m saying it anyway. Doesn’t everybody?), nobody reads any further if she doesn’t like the first three. Shoot me now.

Or at least my writing is. That’s what the very nice acceptance letter (even I get one occasionally Don’t you hate false modesty?) said about my article that will appear in the next issue of Highlighter, the quarterly newsletter of the Mid Atlantic region of SCBWI. You’l have to look that up. I’m way too tired to spell it out. BTW, did you know the Mid Atlantic region is DC & Va? I didn’t.

I was thinking of doing this, but then I might run out of droppable names. So today’s name is Hector Jaime Mercado. We did three months of King and I together. I will always think of him as Prince Chulalongkorn, even though after that he was in a bunch of action films like Delta Force 2 and he played an anti-drug czar in Mexican Blow. I never saw these, because I thought he was a very nice boy, who shuffled around in bare feet and I wanted to keep the illusion. 

Got another one yesterday. Editor said it wasn’t right for their publication, but please submit more. I translate that as ‘We like your style, your subject matter not so much.” That will do for now, although if the publication paid $1000 a story, I would be very sad, because under it all I am a crass commercial person. I know there should be some commas in there somewhere. I have decided arbitrary punctuation is the hallmark of an innovative writer.